Hello everyone, Meryl here and it’s Reflection Monday again! Today, I want to share how insecurity became a hindrance to meeting my friends.
When I was in grade school, I had a hard time with my friends. It wasn’t just because of the quarrels between us, but it was also more on my part of being open with them. First, I had a difficult time with trusting and speaking up about myself. Second, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my friends and classmates. I guess this was because I was scared that they might judge me. And lastly, I would get an uncomfortable feeling whenever I would talk about myself with my friends, because I would feel that they might judge me for what I would say, or that they might label me as the “weird girl”. In the end, I would become the kind of girl who will just be talked about, made fun off, and left alone.
I was led to drowning in my own thoughts.
I was careful of what I should say about myself. I would always say what I think my friends would want to hear. I would let them choose first before me – I let them be who they are before I chose to be who I was. I tried to be like them more than I tried to be myself. Did it get to me? Well, years passed and I realized that I wasn’t having fun. So yes, it did get to me. Something in my heart was heavy. I buried the real “Meryl” and kept shaping myself into what I think my friends would like to see me as.
I wanted to change myself. Things needed to change.
I needed that change. I didn’t want to keep on copying them just to make them “like” me. I was having an uncomfortable time being that unreal Meryl. I’ve got to believe that before showing the real me, I have to first accept and be who I really am. The Meryl that I am.
Although it had to take baby steps into talking more, and when I reached high school, I was still confused of who I really was. I didn’t know how to communicate with my classmates. I was so insecure and quiet in grade school that I had no idea how to change that in high school. In addition, I barely knew anyone in my class. In fact, I think I only knew most of them by name.
I started talking to my classmates around me. I talked about my likes and dislikes with them. At that time, I was scared that they might judge for my preferences but to my surprise they felt the same way. I was happy in knowing that I was not alone with my likes and dislikes. I thought they would judge me for it.
As time passed, I gained new friends and strengthened my old friendships as they discovered my mini transformation. Even if I experienced some criticism because of my preferences, I learned that it was pretty okay. I’m glad that I shared who I really am. They know me for myself and not for the girl who acts for her friends.
I learned that it’s okay if people would judge you because whatever you’ll do they will still judge you. Thinking about the past, I realized that I didn’t have much fun as I am now just because of the insecurities I felt. Why should I be uncomfortable of myself? I have to enjoy and be proud of who I am. If not, then I would be hesitating for the rest of my life. I personally think that accepting oneself is one of the key to happiness.
We have our own key ingredients to our happiness, and I want to continuously discover mine and bring it to others.
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Salamat for reading!